This morning started with a lot of happiness, followed by a lot of stress. So now I’m trying to de-stress with a bag of Twizzlers. Ha! The happiness came in the form of learning that my c-section has been scheduled for Oct. 4! And my favorite doctor, Dr. Wagner, will be doing the delivery. He also said, “I think you’ll make it [to 34 weeks].”
Once I had a moment to myself I went into mommy mode and started making a list of all the things I need to do/try to figure out before this little gal gets here. Obviously I can’t do much, but there is a lot I can do. I finished the baby registry at Target and Babies “R” Us, wrote a list of questions I have for the doctors (been here six-plus weeks, hardly have had a question, but I do now!), put my hospital bills on HOLD until I’m discharged, read the chapters on breastfeeding in my premie book, researched the difference between stitches and staples in a cesarean delivery (still don’t know which way to go), and did A LOT of thinking.
Those are things that I have control of, but there’s so much that will be out of my hands in just a few short weeks … 26 days, but who’s counting?! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about the surgery. Until my water broke, I’d never spent a night in the hospital. I’ve never had surgery unless you count a few stitches from cracking my head open in church and in Pizza Hut when I was a kid. I’ve never sprained anything or broken any bones. I’ve been pretty damn lucky.
But mostly, I’m worried about the baby and how her lungs will function. I need to get back in the game and focus on a positive outcome, so I’m going to ask the therapists to work with me on some guided imagery. Instead of imagining the operation room scene and the horrors we potentially face, I need to divert the focus to a more positive place. When I find myself thinking of that scene, I will purposely imagine the moment I get to hold my baby for the first time; the day we get to take her home; and her first trip to Bemidji. If I keep myself busy, I think I can keep the anxiety at bay so that this baby gets the very best of me these last few weeks.
With that said, before I sign off, I want to share a page from a book I got on premies. I actually copied the picture from a fellow pPROM mom’s Facebook page. This is not to be a downer, but to remind everyone that even if she makes it to 34 weeks, she could be in for the fight of her life. Or, she could be just fine. There’s just no way to tell. So no matter your beliefs, we ask you to pray, hope or imagine for Baby Girl Tjader to have functioning lungs. And until we know for sure, we’re just going to assume she’s absolutely perfect.