Baby Tjader's Journey

A life undefined by pPROM, prematurity and Cerebral Palsy.

Day 67: Getting tough August 20, 2010

Filed under: Bedrest — Aimee @ 2:53 pm

My apologies for the lack of updates lately. I’ve had lots of visitors, including Tyler’s family last weekend and early this week. Now that I’ve had some quiet time to myself, I’m looking hard to find that positive spirit that I know exists. The last two days have been very difficult for me. This extended hospital stay is taking its toll. The biggest problem is likely pure exhaustion, so when I get d0ne writing this entry, I will try to get some sleep. Again.

I have not been sleeping well at night. Aside from the normal aches and pains from pregnancy and waking every few hours to go to the bathroom, I also wake up every time I feel the slightest trickle of fluid. I’m up every morning at 6 a.m., if not earlier, and napping during the day around here is non-existent. Murphy’s Law runs rampant in the halls of this hospital. The moment I start to drift off, someone barges into the room: nurses, cleaning staff, nutritionists, massage therapists, mailroom workers, doctors, guests of other patients walking into the wrong room, etc. I miss having control of my life. And I miss my privacy.

Those complaints — and believe me, there are many, many more — had me in quite the mood yesterday. I was feeling sorry for myself, I guess. And the further along I get in this pregnancy, the scarier it gets. You might think it should be just the opposite, but with that HUGE 28-week milestone on the other side of this weekend, everything is becoming so real. Our daughter will be here between now and six weeks from now. Although she’s been doing well so far, I am scared to death of what she’ll be like when she gets here. Will her lungs work? How tiny will she be? There is also the all too real specter of disability. Will she have lasting physical and mental challenges? Will she suffer?

In my crabby state, I logged in to check updates on the pPROM support site. One of the moms who I’ve been in touch with — she lives in the Twin Cities — had her baby early this week. She was 24 weeks and five days old, and weighed 1 lb., 4 oz. She lived for four hours, but her little lungs were just too fragile. I read the words and became stricken with grief, anger, fear and guilt. Guilty because I just spent an entire day wallowing in self-pity over the fact that my breakfast arrived cold and half the items were missing; that one particular nurse apparently doesn’t know how to knock before entering and instead cheerily says, “Knock, knock!” after she’s already halfway in the room; and that I don’t know how we’re going to pay for mounting hospital bills that have begun to arrive.

Well I’m certain my fellow pPROM mom who lost her little girl this week would gladly trade places with me. She’d love to lay in this hospital bed for as long as she needed to if it meant holding her baby inside just one more day. Instead, she had to say goodbye after just a few short hours and months of fighting. I’m so so sorry for her and pray that she and her family can find peace and comfort in the coming days.

After I cried and prayed, things got much more difficult. The baby had a banner showing on her monitor strip, but when I went to the bathroom, there was blood. Lots of blood and a quarter-size blood clot. I called the nurse. She put me back on the monitor and waited to hear from the doctor. The baby looked great as usual and I felt like my normal self — no contractions. The doctor wasn’t too concerned, but wanted me to report anything else and said they’d watch me closely. Bleeding is very common in patients with ruptured membranes and I knew this. Which is why when I saw the blood I wasn’t entirely surprised, just disappointed that I was another pPROM mom with no fluid AND bleeding. I bled throughout the night and got virtually no sleep. Part of me expected to be wheeled off to the OR. I laid in bed thinking, “Maybe tonight’s the night.” But morning came and I’m still pregnant as ever.  The  bleeding tapered off and this afternoon, it appears to have completely stopped. It could start up again or it could have been a fluke.

I just want everyone to know that I’m OK. This is getting much harder with each passing day, but I know I can do this. I have to. Every day I’m here is a gift to my daughter.

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11 Responses to “Day 67: Getting tough”

  1. Mom Says:

    We could have played a game on the computer in the wee hours of the morning as I couldn’t sleep much either. I expected a call from Tyler saying that the baby was on her way! I’m relieved today that she decided do wait a little longer. Oh, honey…..I sure wish I could do something about all the fear that you have. I can’t promise you that everything will be okay or that you will incubate this little girl for 6 more weeks just perfectly. But what I can tell you is that you are allowed to have real feelings such as fear and trepidation And you are entitled to a little bit of self-pity. I didn’t raise a girl to wear rose-colored glasses, did I?

    You must advocate for yourself (I will do it when I can)! You have to let them know when you just don’t want to be bothered….when you really don’t want company…..that you prefer warm breakfasts….. And you have to allow yourself to have a good cry once in a while—it’s ok and it’s good for the soul.

    You do not know how proud I am of you right now. You are doing everything in your power to give this little girl a fighting chance. And she will be a fighter just like you! I’m so sorry about the mom who lost her little girl, I’m sorry she didn’t have more time to grow bigger and stronger. But you are right–everyday is a gift to you and your baby. I won’t ever tell you I know just how you feel because I don’t. But I do know that I am right there beside you, you can depend on me and lean on me and I will hold you up and give you all the love and support I can. I am praying to God every day that he helps you to be strong and helps our little girl grow and develop awesome lungs.

    I love you, precious Daughter of mine!!! Pull the blinds, turn out the lights, put on some lullabyes and talk to your daughter. I read that she can hear and recognize your voice now!!!! Isn’t that a miracle!???

    Love,
    Mom
    aka. Nana

  2. Ma T Says:

    Oh Aimee. I can echo the sentiments that your mom wrote. We pray for you, Tyler and your precious baby girl every day. I think you should tell the nurses that you do not want to be bothered by ANYONE whenever you want to try to get in a nap. Including the nursing staff. You can call them if you need them. Be strong as you have been. Every day you keep your daughter in your belly is one more day of growing. Life sometimes throws us for a loop, as I am learning with my deteriorating health, but we accept it, and also learn to accept the love and help from our friends and family. We love you all so much, and will continue to send all good thoughts, good karma and lots of love all day, every day!
    Ma T (Gramma Frannie)

  3. laurie Says:

    gad, aimee, what you are doing is SO hard. and it is amazing and admirable that you have been as cheerful as you have been, all this time–living away from home, waiting waiting waiting, and an uncertain outcome on the other side. but you are doing a terrific job, and a few down days are completely normal and justifiable. i suspect the end result will be well worth it, and so lovely. our neighbors on either side of us have had babies this summer, and i hear the sweet cries wafting through out windows. you will be hearing that too, soon enough, and these long days in the hospital will be behind you and mostly forgotten.

    hang in there. need more books???

  4. Jessica Says:

    Thank you for the honor of including me & Madeline in your post yesterday. I am crying uncontrollably for two reasons. My own sadness & for your frustrations. I know how hard it is & how each little thing can drive you to near insanity. How can the foodservice forget something every other meal, they have a ticket to look at! Then the constant interruptions in your room & you just want to rest or cry or just be by yourself. Or just the total lack of control of anything…wouldn’t it be nice to get up and walk to the cafeteria & pick out a snack, a coffee or your own meal- just once! I know all to well this feelings & frustrations. Think about Elisa, she’s been at the hospital so long… so it is doable :-). Every day is SO important & each day brings you closer to a week, so just look a day at a time.
    And I think you are smart to vent, get it out!! It might make you laugh after you read it or even a few days later too, so get it out :-). Sometimes that can be therapeutic in itself!
    I know you have worries too about when she is born, but wait until you see how amazing the NICU staff is (I was blown away), she is going to be in great hands!!!
    You can do this, just get through today 🙂

  5. Jill Says:

    My Dear Darling Aimee and Tyler, I’m sitting here bawling after reading your blog. I feel so sad for all you are going through. You are such a strong lady and I know you can hang in there a while longer as your little one gets stronger every day. You know she is just as stong as her mama. I’ve prayed that Gods Angels are beside you keeping you strong. And I do believe in the power of prayers. It worked many years ago when we thought we might lose Amanda. I hope you can read this through my tears. Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers every day. Stay strong my darling. We love you!
    Uncle Jeff and Auntie Jill

  6. london Says:

    aimee, you are in my thoughts every day. I am so proud of how strong you have been and what a loving and nurturing mother you already are. i know it feels like an eternity that you’ve been on bedrest with miles to go. i can’t begin to know what it’s been like and the flood of emotions you must be feeling every day. but i know you can do it, whatever it takes to keep that sweet child growing.

    all my best,
    london

  7. Jeremy & Jolene Says:

    Hang in there family Tjader. I can only imagine how trying every detail can be. I get teary eyed everytime I read this. The strength you guys are displaying in the face of very serious adversity is a triumph in and of itself. Your understanding of the true value of family and your loved ones will be unlike that of most anyone you will ever meet after this experience. After this you will know there is nothing you can’t do together. A lot of people think that, but you guys will know. In some ways I think in life that the hardest challenges are only presented to the people capable of handling them. You are doing all that you can for this little girl every second of everyday. Don’t ever get down on yourselves, this is not up to you guys.

  8. Megan Says:

    Aim,
    I’m unsure of what to say when things get tough except for the same old “it will all work out in the end” and “everything will be OK.” But this time, it just doesn’t seem like that’s going to be enough. I can’t even comprehend what you’re going through and what all races through your mind each and every day. You are one of the strongest people I know and I know that you can get through this. I’m so lucky to have the kind of sister I do and your baby girl is even luckier to have you as a mommy. And just like Mom said, you are allowed to have bad days, and you’re allowed to bitch and complain about your cold food and pesky nurses.
    I love you very, very much, sissy. Keep on doing what you’re doing and “everything will be OK.”

  9. Beth and Jim Says:

    Your latest update is more proof of your determination, Aimee! You already have my vote for Mother of the Year. Here’s hoping that baby is just as strong-willed as you. We’re sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. xo

  10. Amber Parnell Says:

    This last blog post brought tears to my eyes. There is no way I could possibly understand what you are going through, but my heart aches for all 3 of y’all! You are always in my thoughts and prayers! You are such a strong woman Aimee and you are definitely entitled to have an “off” day once in a while! Soon that sweet baby will be in your arms and this will be over! Sending lots and lots of love your way!!

  11. Shanda & Glen Says:

    Wow! 28!! We’re so proud of you both! What a calming sound twenty-eight has now. I hope you both feel it too. Thirty next – only a few days away. Love you all three so much. . . Hang in – See you all 3 real soon! Love, S


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