Baby Tjader's Journey

A life undefined by pPROM, prematurity and Cerebral Palsy.

Fessing up about my feelings July 22, 2010

Filed under: Bedrest,pPROM — Aimee @ 2:07 pm

The purpose of this blog is three-fold. I started it as an efficient way to keep friends and family informed about T, myself and the baby; to provide information and support to other pPROM moms; and to document my thoughts and feelings during this pivotal moment in my life. Having said that, I don’t feel I’ve been completely honest about what I’m feeling or the kinds of things I’m REALLY thinking about. It’s time to fess up — for my benefit — and be real about what the last six weeks have been like.

So many of you have commented on my positive outlook. It’s true, I choose to be mostly positive because I believe that’s the only way I’ll get through this. My husband helps; he’s the most half-glass-full kind of guy I know. I, too, have surprised myself with just how positive I’ve been. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I’m a pessimist and can be quite negative at times. I try my best to keep those thoughts at bay, but in the quiet hours by myself, my mind sometimes drifts to the dark side of this experience.

The topic of a baby shower has come up a few times, most recently this morning. I have not allowed myself to think about having a baby shower or do anything else to prepare for this baby. Because I fear coming home from the hospital empty-handed, I cannot plan for a nursery, think about what we’ll need when baby arrives or even read books on how to care for a baby! And I feel guilty about that. Like any other first-time mother, I should be using this time to plan for my labor and the day when my baby will come home. I haven’t been able to do that, so not only do I feel guilty, I feel resentful.

I resent the fact that the innocence of being pregnant for the first time has been taken away from me. This isn’t my first pregnancy, however. We lost one pregnancy in November because it was ectopic, meaning the egg implanted in one of my fallopian tubes instead of the uterus. When we got pregnant again and finally saw a heart beat inside my uterus, we both cried. I remained cautiously optimistic until I hit the 12-week mark, when the chance for miscarriage drops to 3 percent or less. Finally, I could enjoy my summer feeling great in the second trimester and prepare for my fall baby. I never imagined that six weeks later I’d join a very elite (1 percent) group of pPROM women who MUST support one another because the medical outlook is so grim.

I hate that if we ever decide to have another baby, I will never lose the fear of this happening again. I hate that this experience could very well change our plans for having more children of our own.

I can’t help but feel sad when I go to my appointments and see other pregnant women in their cute maternity outfits, but I quickly remind myself that people may look one way on the outside, but you never really know what they’re dealing with inside. That reminds me of a man I rode in the elevator with at one of my appointments. He was a cute old man with a walker who insisted that my Mom and I get into the elevator before him. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he commented on the sunny day, told us we were “two pretty ladies,” and that every day is a blessing when you’re 80 years-old and have brain cancer … That was a humbling moment for me. I’ve since thanked God every day for blessing me with a wonderful life and have asked God to watch over my friends, family and that man in the elevator.

That man has me asking, why do shitty things happen to good people? I’m angry that women who don’t take care of themselves during pregnancy end up with perfectly healthy babies, and other women who are perhaps overly cautious during pregnancy encounter problems. Why is it that couples who don’t plan for or want children can get pregnant so easily? Why do women who can’t take care of one child go on to have three or four?

I know that thinking these things and especially saying them out loud is counterproductive. But in addition to all the hope and excitement we have for this beautiful baby, these feelings are part of me.

In closing, someone sent this to me today. Thanks, Laura!

A Child’s Angel

Once upon a time a child was ready to be born.

The child asked God,

“How am I going to live on Earth when I’m so small and helpless?”

God replied, “I’ll choose an Angel to watch over you.

She’ll be waiting on earth when you arrive.

“She will sing for you and will also smile for you every

day. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “But I won’t know the language there.

How am I ever going to communicate?”

God said, “Your angel will speak the most beautiful and sweet words

you will ever hear and, with much patience and care, will teach

you how to speak. And she will use her voice to sing sweet

lullabies as she rocks you to sleep.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?” asked the child.

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you

how to pray. She will teach you that prayer is the best way

to talk to me, not just in times of need, but in happy times, too.”

“I’ve heard that on Earth there are bad people. Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking her life.

She will instruct you in the things you need to know to live

life joyfully and safely.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach

you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in heaven.

The child’s journey was about to begin.

The child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now,

please tell me my angel’s name.”

God said, “Her name is not important.

You will simply call her MOTHER.”


5 Responses to “Fessing up about my feelings”

  1. Miranda Says:

    Oh Aimee! You have me in tears. I wish I was there to give you a hug! Don’t feel guilty for having these feelings or thoughts, any normal person would. You are going through a very frightening experience full of what if’s and who knows. After my horrible experience with HELLP syndrome I was told to NEVER have children again because my reoccurance rate doubles each time, and next time we wouldn’t be so lucky. We did conceive again, even using birth control, and I had a normal, healthy, full term pregnancy. As you know since then we have had Zane, and last year we had a miscarriage, and now this year we are due in October with our fourth and final child. New medical studies have shown that the advice I was given at first was false, and that with each additional pregnancy my risk of reoccurance drops. Aimee, not every pregnancy will be filled with complications and scary days. I know its impossible to see that now, but I swear its true! Also as I have learned, once baby Tjader does arrive you will never LOVE anyone the way you love this angel! Sorry Tyler, it’s true, and Tyler you will feel the same. No matter how far you are along when you deliver whether its 29 weeks or 39 weeks, you will be so appreciative of a crying baby, that baby will be your miracle baby and will always hold a special place in your heart. As much as I try to be fair with all the kids and treat them all equally, I still have that special bond with Marissa and even though I try not to, I find myself always making sure everything is perfect in her little world and have a tendency to take things easier on her than the rest of the kids. Her and I went through HELL together and it formed an unbelievable bond!! We all say keep a positive attitude but we all know its not going to happen 100% of the time, and we understand that, along with the rest of the world too! The more positive you are the less stress you will feel and we all know how bad stress is for a pregnancy. If I am correct you said earlier Monday is Viability day and you enter the hospital for your extended stay? This is FANTASTIC news!! Once you check in you know you will be receiving the utmost care possible and the 3 of you are in good hands! That will be the time to have your sigh of relief. With all the extra , boring, time on your hands that will be the time to start reading the parenting books and magazines, that will be the time to make your baby registry (online) for a baby shower or just to keep in mind what you and your husband need to be ready. That will be the time to start shopping for necessities and of course all the cute extras we all end up buying! Luckily shopping nowadays is right at our finger tips!! But most of all you will hear baby Tjaders heartbeat at every waking moment of the day and you will hear all of the babies little kicks and movements will hooked up to the monitors and that will start to make you feel at ease and you will love that sound. I know of a few great money saving websites I can share with you when you are ready! I love you Aimee and I know its been years but I wish I could be there for you! I hope this message helps! Feel free to contact me anytime, hell even if it is just to cry! Please relax and have a fantastic weekend, and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know!!!!

    ~Miranda Sherman~

  2. Sara Says:

    Amiee –

    Please try not to feel guilty about these feelings. As a pprom mom I felt the same way and I am not yet in the clear. I didnt feel excited about my pregnancy until after 28w. I couldn’t look at babies stuff online, read about preparing for twins or even talk about having a baby shower.

    I feel so sorry that you were not given the opportunity to have those first pregnancy experiences. You really deserve it and I hope when you are comfortable to you will be able to talk about having a shower or buy some things .. online that is. =)

    I know it is hard but try to stay strong and know that you have an entire support group here for you. So let those feelings out and we will be here to listen

    Sara (your pprom pal)

  3. Jessica Says:

    Thank you for posting this. I think from one pProm mom to the next, you summed up my exact feelings. I try not to be resentful at the other pregnant moms at the Dr’s office, but there’s always tat twinge in the back of my head that I can’t completely stop it. I want those fun baby showers & fun pregnancy time to glow & show off my belly. And I feel that has been taken away from me..from us.
    Mike & I were talking on the way to the Dr appt on Thurs and also said the next time we get pregnant we are going to be walking in egg shells the whole time. That isn’t fair either 😦
    So, you are not alone sweetie, in these feelings that you’ve been having.
    BUT, to stay positive is important for us pProm moms & our babies. I try to remember that my experience is just different & that I’m already starting my ‘mom journey’. Just a bit earlier than those who get the full 9 months of pregnancy bliss. I am fighting every day to keep this little baby healthy & trying to give it every chance to survive and be healthy. That is what I draw on when I need strength. This baby will know it’s parents did everything they could. :-). YOU are doing everything you can!!!

    Baby showers will just have to wait. Once you make it through this journey & baby T has been well taken care of, then you can come home and have a shower, decorate the room & resume ‘normal’ baby joys :-). There will be time for that.. Just a little later.

    Please please don’t let people pressure you into having one too soon if you don’t feel up to it. If anything happens, you will only resent all those presents & the memory of that shower. Do it when you are ready and when you can ENJOY it.

    Big hugs, thinking of you this weekend, your big hospital day is just 2 days away now!!

  4. Amiee F. Says:

    I was really upset one day about a month ago, in bemidji we have our vagrants, our bums, our drunks, as we’ve always had, as we always will have. There is a woman in peticular- always drunk and acting crazy. I found out one day this woman is expecting a child. I was furious, I felt hate- real hate for this woman. Because I thought of you and Tyler, and what you have to go through, what you’ve been going through. I still hate that woman, i don’t care what anyone thinks of me for saying so. She doesn’t deserve this gift- she probably doesn’t even think of it as a gift. Now I’m angry so i should go. But Tyler, Aimee- you just keep hangin in there. I’m so proud of you and have so much admiration for the strength between you. xoxo

  5. Renee JS Says:

    Aimee, What a heartfelt and honest blog post. I think those same thoughts runs through every woman’s mind as they start a family and realize the delicacy of life. I am so happy you are in the hospital and through those 24 weeks and I’m praying you are happily bored in that bed for another 10 weeks. BTW, it’s been a nasty hot summer to be pregnant and running around on assignments, so that is one silver lining.

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